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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23469046">Dark and Vulnerable</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kryndiks1997/pseuds/Kryndiks1997'>Kryndiks1997</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Death Note: Another Note</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 05:48:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,185</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23469046</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kryndiks1997/pseuds/Kryndiks1997</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Well I am left with them now alone and I would not leave A’s murder behind just like this. Not without revenge and not without telling true story about those greedy, disgusting, selfish pigs who dare to call A by his dead name at his own funeral.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>A/Beyond Birthday</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Dead body, dead name</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-We are here in memory of Astrid Akutsu. He died three days ago, 12th May 2002, because he was not able to overcome his mental health issues. He was just a man and he was not able to overcome his earthy struggles.<br/>Priest is saying something more. But I am not listening to him any longer.  I don’t want to hear another sound. Don’t want to be surrounded by other people. People who don’t even care that much about him. Strangers. I don’t want to hear his dead name. Don’t want to see his body in some dark clothes A would hate. Not your name. Not your body. Not your clothes. I never called him that name. I even did not know his last name.  He would never ask for such funeral. I know he would choose something more private and happy. A liked to hide his pain. Now it is everywhere.  Yes, A would hate it. How those people who arranged such monstrosity can say that they love him and that they are doing it in his honor. Lies. They think only about what is convenient. Only about themselves. Lies. Dangerous lies. Lies that killed him. Now I see them as well.<br/>I am the only one who loved him. Only one who was his real friend and the only one he has ever in his life let to kiss him. A was so vulnerable and pure and I was the only one who honored it. Others did not care and just used him. We are all stranger in this world. We are always alone. But A had me. So why did he die? Why did he leave me? <br/>They killed him. I know it. Yes, it was partially because of mental health as they say. But there were also people who were reason of his suicide. <br/>-People, places, things…- as he used to say.<br/>Well I am left with them now alone and I would not leave A’s murder behind just like this. Not without revenge and not without telling true story about those greedy, disgusting, selfish pigs who dare to call A by his dead name at his own funeral.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Blood and Darkness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Those pigs choose those who are most vulnerable as their victims and after it they dare to call us “talented.” “Talented,” “unique,” “people with special needs” it means all the same those who are easy to hurt. I was one of them as well. I was not like other kids. I was too weird. I liked to lit fires in the orphanage and watch horror movies or completely opposite cheesy anime for babies not suited for teenager boy. I also had dark hair that was too messy and too long. I had fascination with the color black and had bloody red eyes. Not the way a teenager should behave. I was diagnosed with multiple mental health disorders. I did know what exactly I had different therapist suggested completely different diagnoses. I never stayed with a therapist for a long time. Borderline personality disorder? No, should be older than eighteen to be diagnosed but he is twelve. Autism? Maybe. OCD? Who knows? I did not know and did not care.<br/>I had other things to worry about like my bloody eyes. Yes, they were ugly but it was not the thing that worried me. The thing that scared me was that they were showing me some numbers which I did not understood at first. Until my father was stabbed to death. Then I realized they were showing time of person’s death. I can’t describe my fear that I understood it and then I realized that my mother had only two months to live. I did not even try to protect her. Too late. Dead in the train crash. That is how I became orphan and how I got first time to a therapist appointment which did not help. Therapists. Stupid shrinks. Just listen to you but don’t help because they don’t know how. They are only human. <br/>Orphanage was horrible. I missed my parents and cried and caregivers just beat me to shut up and took to therapists. More therapists.   That is why I would never cry about A. I love him. But I won’t. Sorry. Not in front of them. No more shrinks for me. Thank you very much. <br/>Kids tried to beat me up as well. There was no chance we would be friends. I was too much of a weirdo. But I was stronger and fear replaced their hate. I did not bully them. I did not want to be a villain but they knew it is better not to mess with me. <br/>And more therapists and meds and cognitive therapy. Antipsychotics. Lithium. Antidepressants. Have adults even knew what they were giving me?<br/>The only thing that made me happy was surprisingly school. Weird for a young boy is not it? And not because of friends or teachers. Everyone hated me as always. I just liked shapes and numbers and patterns. The main reason I was diagnosed with autism. Everything should be in order and clean and in one raw. Is it autism or OCD? Hell do I know! Hell with you!  <br/>I also liked reading especially manga. I was taking it from school library and never bringing it back. At first librarians were mad because of it demanding money and detention. But even they gave up. Weirdo. Crazy one. Let him be.<br/>I also had fascination with putting things on fire. I liked to watch them burn and the smell of fire. Even sacrificed several most boring manga books for it. And what adults did? Can you imagine? Right! New diagnoses. Conduct disorder and pyromania. New meds. New therapy. <br/>I also liked jam. Stealing jam from kitchen and putting my hands in it and licking them after. Disgusting? Maybe, but not to me. Delicious? Always. Binge eating? Shut up! Don’t care! Don’t care!<br/> That is how that old craw found me. <br/>-Young boys… School for genius…Orphanage… IQ 161… Genius…<br/>-Who me? You mistaken. I am a weird one, a crazy one, a messy one and a pyromaniac one. Not the smart one. Fuck IQ test. Just one more shrink’s tool. <br/>-You are the special one! Was looking all across the world. Only one student so far. He needs a friend. <br/>-Friend? I never had one. Not the best choice. You, old man, are crazy and messed up. Leave me alone. <br/>-You don’t understand. You are special. I know you may be scared. But you will go far. My name is Watari. What is your name?<br/>-I will not go further than juvi and I am not special. I call myself Beyond Birthday. Now good bye, old man.<br/>-You need new name, - predator smile on the old face, - What about Backup. B for shorten. <br/>-What the hell? Backup? I am not a robot. I am a boy. Leave me alone. Whose backup?<br/>-Will find out soon. Come with me.<br/>We were already on the street and old man was pushing me into the luxury car. Where did he earn so much money? He will die in six years.  Good. Bye bye old man. Why can’t you die now? Special needs. Genius. Wonderful future. Don’t care! Leave me alone! I am not a program. A boy. Just a boy! Soon will turn fifteen. Last chance to get into juvi. Soon it will be prison. Soon will get personality disorder. Mental health hospital. Meds. I tried to hurt myself, burn myself, kill myself, cut myself. I am not worthy of special future. I am not the smart one! Crazy one! Crazy! <br/>He did not care. Soon I was in the car and it was riding away from my orphanage. Left all of my stuff there. Watari did not care. Child Abduction! Caregivers did not care as well. They just wanted to get rid of a difficult child. Of course. High grades, high IQ. Genius. Backup. They should be proud not scared for my life. That is how my journey started.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. B for Backup</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Long trip in the car. Long boring road. Screaming or protesting any longer was stupid. So I just decided to ask the old man who was driving the car, Watari, the question that bothered me the most.<br/>-So why me? Why you chose me?<br/>Watari turned back from the driving seat and said: you are the best student in your country and an orphan. So I decided that you would work well in case something happens to the main object.<br/>Object? How can you call a person an object?<br/>-But do you really believe in such things as IQ tests or grades? Yes, I agree my grades were always high but I promise you it means nothing. I am a very troubled person. I don’t think I am the best fit. Maybe you just let me go?<br/>-I don’t think tests show everything. But it is something psychologists use to get a first impression.<br/>-Psychologists? Yes, I know a lot of them.<br/>-You know them? - Watari asked surprise taking his tired glance off the road, - From there?<br/>-I went to therapy a lot.<br/>-Therapy is good.<br/>-Not than you change therapist every month and they give you completely new diagnoses. <br/>-You right, - Watari laughed and there was silence.<br/>After several hours he told me we arrived and I looked around. I was expecting to arrive to some big public place like school or to the dark spooky place like mental health hospital. But it was just a country house. Pretty big one but still just a house. The only thing which was spooky about it was that there was nothing around it. A small house surrounded by completely nothing. So it was obvious there would be no escape.<br/>-Follow me, - Watari ordered and I agreed, - Now I need to explain you everything.<br/>I nodded. We entered the house and he took me to a pretty big room filed with computers.<br/>-Computers? How do you get so much money? - I asked surprised.<br/>-Donations. Grants. I am the scientist, - Watari nodded, - Do you want some tea?<br/>-Yes and some jam. Scientist?  So you conduct experiments on people without their consent? Do you know it is illegal! You are not better than some shrink.<br/>-Not really experiments, - Watari put on the tea and continued explaining everything to me, - We are raising geniuses. <br/>-What for?<br/>He gave me a cup of tea and a jar of jam with a spoon.<br/>-I don’t need a spoon, - I protested putting my hand in a jar, - See I am crazy. Am I not?<br/>-Don’t be ashamed of how you eat. We all have our quirks. Be proud of them. We raise geniuses so they can replace my step son L if something happens to him.<br/>-L? - that name I heard but did not know much about it.<br/>-L. A famous detective who solved about hundreds of cases. <br/>So they want me to do the same. Weird.<br/>-He is your son?<br/>-Yes I adopted him when he was in orphanage like you. He was so smart and strong that I knew I wanted to support him. Now he is a famous detective. But what happens if he dies on a mission? The crime rate would drastically increase. But it would not happen if we will have several more Ls. So I decided to raise several more orphans in order we would need to replace him with someone quick. Right now I am taking care of only one more child. But he is rather lonely and I think he needs some company, somebody to work in a team with. He needs a backup. That is where you come.<br/>To be honest I should have realized that I was in danger already back then. It was a big red flag. He was talking about his children like they were machines. But I was just shocked. Not angry. Not scared. Shocked.<br/>-Here, - Watari gave me a laptop, - This is for you to use. You are now part of the team. I will teach you how to use technology and how to code. Just remember there is a parent control on this laptop. Teenagers your age are not the most reliable.<br/>-You are not my parent, - I said coldly, - When I will learn how to code I will hack your freaking control. I can look for whatever I want online.<br/>Suddenly there was a call on the laptop and I shivered. The caller had a black cursive L on the avatar.<br/>-Answer, - Watari ordered.<br/>-Hello, - I mumbled in surprise and irritation.<br/>I was expecting the caller to turn on the video but he did not. Another red flag. <br/>-It is L, - a young man replied, - I am glad I can finally speak you to you B. Welcome to the Wammy House. We were waiting for you.<br/>There was a weird sound like L was eating something and I found it offensive.<br/>-How do you know about me?<br/>-I know a lot of things. Watari told me. Welcome to the team. I will help you to become a great detective and have a bright future.<br/>-I don’t believe it bright futures. But thank you. One more question. How freaking old are you? <br/>-18. Why?<br/>-and you solved a hundred cases? How? <br/>-Yes I did.  You would accomplish something great by that time as well. You can achieve a lot if you think a lot. Also I recommend you to sit like this. It increases the work of the brain.<br/>He sent me the picture of a stick figure siting in some crazy pose on the floor. What the hell? He is just eighteen? A boy not much older than me. How does he dare to think so highly of himself? Was he making fun of me?<br/>-I will send you some more tips, - L continued, - I know you will go far. Just don’t be scared. I will try to visit you someday. We will play tennis or something!<br/>He never did. Lies. A lot of lies.<br/>-Okay I need to join a conference call with a Japanese police. Talk to you later B, - and he hanged up.<br/>-Welcome to the team, - Watari smiled while I licked my hand full of jam, - You will be happy here.<br/>Happy? Lies again. I was not feeling happy. I was feeling irritated.<br/>-okay. Let’s take you to your room so you can meet A.<br/>Great. I need to share room. But why I am complaining? I never had my own room. So nothing new.<br/>I just nodded and we left the room.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Astrid</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My new room was small and messy. Dark walls with some graded papers on them. All A’s. A big table in the center with some more homework on it. Two small beds. My new work partner was siting on one of them surrounded with teddy bears and fantasy books. He looked like a little child. In the dark sweater and jeans with such pale scared face. I felt from the beginning I was much stronger and I wanted to protect him. It was obvious he was using toys form comfort and books as an escape. <br/>Was it love at first sight? Probably not. I want to lie to you and say I always love him. But no I did not. I knew I was gay before coming to Wammy school. I had crushes on guys all my life. Never worked out. But how could it? I have never told anyone about my feelings. A was first. I also preferred gay porn much more. Something a teenager would be ashamed of. But not me. I did not care. It definitely was not the weirdest thing about me. I just never shared it with anyone. Not because I was afraid of being judged. Just not their business. <br/>But no it was not love at first sight. I did not love him at first. I just found him vulnerable and scared and wanted to protect. I always wanted to protect him. Well, I failed. <br/>-Hi, - A mumbled looking with fear at my dark gothic clothes and big hands covered in bloody jam, - the room is a little bit messy. Sorry about it.<br/>-Hey. It is fine, - I sat on his bed.<br/>He looked in my eyes. Astrid Aku… My Schinigami eyes rad but I looked away fast. I did not want to know when my partner would die. I did not want him to die. He was too pure for it. Well, he is dead now and I did not stop him. Suicide. <br/>Astrid looked at me a little bit offended. He did not know the reason I looked away and thought I was disgusted or something. <br/>-My name is A, - he tried to talk to me again, - And you are B?<br/>-They say so. But I prefer Beyond, - I nodded. <br/>-Well I will leave you alone, - Watari smiled. He was still staring at us with his frog eyes. <br/>-Finally, - I groaned closing the door after him. A looked a little bit terrified. He was obviously uncomfortable with staying with me alone. <br/>-You ok? - I asked.<br/>-To be honest. I am kind of freaking out, - he mumbled.<br/>-Why? - I smiled in evil smile, - Am I too scary for you? Too dangerous?<br/>-Stop it! – A almost shouted at me, - stop it! Shut up!<br/>The boy was trembling and I understood I went to far. I cleaned my hands with wipes standing on the table and hugged A. <br/>-Well. I am sorry. Yes, I am probably not what you expected. I would not lie I am troubled and juvi would be better fit for me than this. But it looks like the old crow does not care. So we need to try to be friends. I know it would be hard but we don’t have other choice.<br/>Astrid’s face became even more pale than before and he mumbled: I am sorry as well. I am troubled as well. Damaged. Worthless.<br/>-Did Watari and L tell it to you? - I asked concerned.<br/>-Not really. Others did. <br/>A pulled out of my hug.<br/>There was a silence for a long time. Then he looked at me, smiled and asked: Can you read for me?<br/>-What? - I asked surprised.<br/>-Can you read to me out loud. My mom used to do it. But she is dead and Watari is not a fan of fantasy.<br/>-Sure, - I smiled and opened the book, - The riddles in the dark. This one?<br/>-Don’t care, - he answered covering with blanket and hugging a teddy bear.<br/>I opened the book and started to read. He was so weak, so vulnerable and I wanted to protect him so much. Yes, probably it was a beginning of love. But it was not love at first sight.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Dark eyes, dark past</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time passed. More calls from L. More tea from Watari. Jam, Books. Me and Astrid were spending all days together. We had classes from morning till evening. Watari and Amber, a woman working for him, were teaching us foreign languages: Russian, Japanese, Spanish, German and Latin, math mostly calculus, chemistry, physics and coding: Python, Latex and C++. Amber also taught as how to swim, run, drive, use the gun and fight. I was fascinated by it. I liked firing the gun and I hated that I was not allowed to have my own. <br/>We all were put on a strict diet. We could eat whatever we wanted but it should not be more than seventeen hundred calories. So I mostly stick to jam. While A was eating fruits explaining that it allows him to have more food and get essential vitamins. He was a bit of health freak.<br/>But he was so beautiful, vulnerable and quiet like a doll. He was fascinating me. I started to have a crush on him and how I could not have after all those nights we spent together sharing secrets and playing video games. But it was mostly me telling secrets. I knew nothing about A’s past. He was a bit intimidated by L and Watari. He had moderate depression and history of self harm. His arms were covered with razor cuts. They never healed. A was ten when Watari found him. He was fifteen now. I was seventeen. But where did he come from? Who were his parents? He never told.<br/>I wanted A. I wanted to kiss him and maybe do even more things to him. Maybe it was because he was the only person my age around or maybe it was because we were such close friends. I did not know. But I definitely had pretty strong sexual urges for him. But I did not know if they would be accepted. Did he even like boys? A never hugged me or held my hand. He did not even sit close to me at class. Like he had a huge personal bubble I was not allowed into. This was driving me mad. So I decided to change it.<br/>Once late at night when everyone fell asleep I crawled to the A’s bed and kissed him. A woke up from it and shouted so loudly that I got scared. I thought he would be mad at me or something but he was terrified. He was shaking and crying and I could not stop it. It was horrible. A was heavily breathing. I did not know what to do. I felt so bad and I was just repeating: please forgive me. I did not want it.<br/>-Just shut up! Why you did it to me? What have I done? - A was crying.<br/>-I had a crush on you, - I explained, - I wanted to be with you so I wanted to show it to you. But I admit I was wrong. I would never do anything like this again. I was stupid. I am sorry. <br/>-Just shut up! - Astrid interrupted. He grabbed water and drank all of it. Then his hysteria ended he looked sadly at me and said: I am sorry. I have a crush on you as well. But we would never be together.<br/>I was surprised. A was also gay and liked me.  So why did he reacted like this?<br/>-You do? I don’t understand.<br/>-I do love you but I would never date anybody. I am too damaged.<br/>-But why?<br/>- You are old enough to understand. We are not children, B. You understand. Now you want to kiss me but later you would want more and I am not able to give it to you. I would never be able to. I was hurt too badly.<br/>-Did somebody did it to you? - I said with hate in my voice realizing what he was thinking about not wanting to put into words.<br/>-Yes one man did. Before Wammy House, - A nodded, - My parents put me into orphanage when I was a baby. I was not planned. They did not want me. They were not able to provide for me. But I was adopted when I was four and when I was ten that man killed my family. He came at night and killed everyone except me. He took me as a hostage instead. He locked me into the basement and I sat there in the darkness without water or food. Waiting for him to come home from work. When he did he was usually drunk and he kicked me with everything he could find. I had severe bleeding and my legs and arms were black with bruises and sore with pain. But it is not the only torture he forced me to go through.<br/>-Bastard! - I screamed with hate realizing what happened to my friend. <br/>-Once he got so drunk that he started to kiss me instead. I was trying to avoid his touch but I could not and suddenly he pulled up my pants and put his penis inside of me. I was terrified I was screaming and trying to pushed him off me. But he grasped my hands and laughed: totally worthless. Scream what you like. Nobody will hear you. Your family is dead and where are your real parents? They gave up on you because you are useless. <br/>I only screamed and cried and my body was shaking with fear and pain. Finally, he came inside me and I fall on the ground. I was terrified. I knew I would not be able to survive it again. I would just die from the pain he caused me. <br/>Luckily he got arrested next morning. I was put into orphanage where Watari found me. He brought me here. Provided support and took me to the doctor to get tested for STDs. Luckily it came out clean. But still it made me damaged. I was raped by the man who killed my family and probably could have killed me if police did not come. <br/>I know I would never be able to allow somebody be inside of me again. It is too terrifying. I like you but I don’t want to go over this pain again. Never. You understand?<br/>-I am really sorry A for what I did, - I said with sad, quiet voice, - I did not know. I am not like him. I would not make you suffer. I like you but not because I want your body. I like you as a person. As my friend. As another Wammy boy. I would never touch you again if you don’t want it. Sorry. I want you but I would never hurt you. Just know if you ever would be down for it you can tell me.<br/>-I understand. I do as well. But I don’t think I would ever be comfortable with it, - A sighed and hugged me.<br/>My precious dear A. Everyone he knew hurt his. His real parents did. That killer did. L and Watari did. But not me. I wanted to protect him. But too late.  He is dead.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Desire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>More time passed. I was eighteen. A sixteen. We were still close friends but we both knew that in reality we were more than friends. We never kissed since that scary night but we still knew that we in love. We were always together. Together doing homework, together getting in trouble. L was the first who noticed it suggesting he would call both of us at once instead of making separate calls. He still never visited and I have never seen his face. My life was weird. Stacked in old house surrounded by technology, Amber, Watari and my best friend A.<br/>I was happy and I did not want anything to change so I was surprised when A said he wanted to talk to me in the middle of the night when we were supposed to be asleep long time ago.<br/>-What is wrong A? - I asked him looking at him concerned, - You alright?<br/>He looked at me with some weird sad smirk and replied: I want you B.<br/>I never expected him to say it. So those words made me uneasy. I wanted him as well. Very badly but I also did not want to hurt him.<br/>-Are you sure? You were saying you would never be ready for it. I don’t want to force you.<br/>-You are not. I am sick of us being just friends. He hurt me and hurt badly but I can’t let him to continue taking everything from me. Everything what is important to me. I am a teenager I should have urges and I do and I am sick of being too scared to act on them. <br/>-I understand. Yes it is hard to see you all day long and not being able to even kiss you, - I admitted, - but how do you plan to fight your fear?<br/>-I love you B, - A whispered, - and I have a plan. I was thinking for a long time about. Just trust me. Ok?<br/>-Ok, I trust you. Just know you can stop anytime. I would not hurt you.<br/>-Just close your eyes, - A asked and I noticed that he was hesitant.<br/>I closed my eyes and felt that A is taking off my shirt. Soon I felt his small colds hands massaging my back. I never was touched by anyone before and it was making me super excited. I was already hard and I wanted more but I knew that my lust did not matter. It was all about A. About him fighting with his fear. Him taking control of his body and sexuality. I was trying to be quiet and calm but I still moaned when A put his hand on my nipple squeezing it. Soon he took another one in his mouth and sucked on it. I felt a burning warmth in all parts of my body and A smiled: Enjoying?<br/>-I do. Thank you, - I smiled, - Still feeling alright?<br/>-Yes.  I am not scared. He can’t stop me now.<br/>A sucked again on my nipple. Stronger almost biting it. Maybe it was a weird way for two guys to have sex but I understood why he chose it. He wanted to be sexual without putting anything inside of him. Without doing anything which could remind him of his perpetrator. And what about me? I was young, horny and in love. I was enjoying any touch my lover could give me. It was all new and exciting. Suddenly A put his hand inside my pants and I screamed with pleasure when I felt his fingers playing with my penis. It was first time we both were sexual with anyone in our life. Both virgins. Both scared and excited. We did not want more. We had all we needed and were happy with each other.  <br/>-Can I? - I asked quietly A.<br/>-if you are comfortable with it.<br/>I took of my lover’s pants and put next to mine massaging both of them together. Pleasure was so strong that I could no longer think about privacy. I was happy and was not thinking any longer about Watari and Amber.  Yes they were also at home and could probably come and stop us anytime. But what they would to us? Scream at us? I did not care about it. Beat us? They would not dare. Kick us out the house? They needed us. They were using us and even if they did. I am a legal adult I would find a job and provide for both of us. So why should I be scared of my supervisors? I did not care neither did A. Movements became faster and we were both moaning and heavy breathing. <br/>-I love you B, - A whispered.<br/>-I love you too, - I whispered back. <br/>Soon I moaned and came letting penises out of my hand. A did several more movements and came as well. He blushed and asked: was it too much?<br/>-Not to me. I feel happy and satisfied. How are you?<br/>-I am a bit worried. I never thought I would be able to go so far. But I am glad that I did. Now I feel less scared.<br/>-This is wonderful.<br/>A let me go and went to his bed.<br/>-Stop it. Come here, - I asked, - let’s sleep together.<br/>-But L and Watari? They would be mad at us. I don’t think we are allowed to…<br/>-L? He is not much older than me. Are you sure he is not banging with somebody right now?<br/>I am adult. I don’t care about his opinion. <br/>-We can’t talk this like about L, - A protested. <br/>-Why not? Why are they better than us? Relax and come here.<br/>A did not want to argue any longer and he laid in my bed taking his blanket and teddy bear with him. I hugged him from behind and soon we fall asleep. <br/>It was obvious that Amber realized what happened between us. When she went to wake us up next morning we were hugging each other so tightly that it was obvious that we became more than friends. But I did not care. I was no longer a virgin. No longer a child. No longer single. So why should I have been ashamed? It was my life and they had no right to control it. <br/>A thought differently. He was uncomfortable with the idea that everybody now knew our secret. But nobody said anything to us about it and he became more relaxed. Soon we were making out whenever we wanted in the Wammy house.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Wonderful Future</h2></a>
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    <p>One year passed. I was nineteen. My lover seventeen. We were still together, proud of our connection. A completely got rid of his fear and we went all the way with him multiple times. I thought he was becoming stronger and less scared of life. He stopped cutting himself and I was proud of it. But everything changed than Watari said that because A soon would become adult he should have more intense program. He was supposed to leave Wammy House soon and join L in person. Work together with him. I was sad about it. Nobody knew where L was. Probably far and I did not want to lose a contact with my first love. But A was more confident. He wanted to earn his own money and solve real crimes not mock ones. But soon he became much more depressed. He no longer had free times to spend with me. He was studying at night. Not sleeping, not eating but he was still getting only B’s and C’s. Pressure was taking him over.<br/>-Maybe I am worthless, B, - my lover said to me one day.<br/>- I am not able to learn all of it. It is too much. I will never be like L and if I would not when what it is the point of me even been here. I give up. I don’t want it anymore. <br/>-Then tell it to our supervisors. Tell them that they need to decrease your responsibilities.<br/>-I tried. They would not listen. They just said I should be proud I increased my grades by five percent.<br/>Percent? Yes, they were still treating us like robots. Not teenagers.<br/>I looked at my lover’s eyes and it was mistake. I saw his day of death. May 12th 2002. He was supposed to die in two days. I got terrified. My hands shook.<br/>-A? Talk to them. I don’t want to lose you.<br/>-I will, - A promised and he did. And then I did. And then he did again. No help. Five percent. Backup. Don’t understand. Special needs. Wonderful future. Where was the hell that wonderful future? A was shaking and crying all day every day. Losing weight. Becoming pale. Having no sleep. No food. Nothing. They gave him nothing. Just textbooks. And once when I was in class Watari came and talked to Amber and she started crying and then she told me I need to move rooms and then I asked why. She told me that A hanged himself in our bedroom. Yes, they gave him wonderful future!</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Farewell</h2></a>
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    <p>I have not seen A’s body until the funeral. I was not allowed into our room and then it was again open all A’s things were gone. All his clothes, all his teddy bears, all his books. Gone. Same as his computer files. Like he never existed. Only things left after my lover were his last notes. He wrote three of them. One to me, one to Watari and one to L. In each of them he was saying he was sorry that he committed suicide, that he was not worthy to be part of Wammy school and that he wanted to die for a long time. <br/>But he should not have been sorry. He was not the one to blame. They were. Amber, Watari and L. They were sad by A’s death. But they acted like he was a broken phone or lost laptop. They did quick funeral and soon moved on. They did not miss him. They did not care about his legacy.<br/>I realized it when I got a late night call. It was L.<br/>-Hey B we need to talk. You know that other student in your school died. So now you are my heir, - L started.<br/>-Yes. He is just a student to you. You never cared about him. You were saying you would visit and never did. Do you even know our real names? No you don’t. You don’t care. He was not just another student. He was my lover. My best friend. He was depressed and you forced him to work too much. He was trying his best but you didn’t care! <br/>-I understand. You are sad, - L interrupted, - But you are eighteen. You are an adult. I will increase your study overload and soon you will join my team. <br/>-I am nineteen, thank you very much, - I protested, - and no I don’t want to join you. You did not care about A. Why would you care about me? Increase overload. It is what killed him. Do you want me dead as well?<br/>-Of course not. Your IQ is higher than 160. You can do it. You will have ten classes every day and after several months you would be able to join me. <br/>-No I would not have ten classes, - I said coldly and ended the call. L tried to call me back but I did not reply. Calls became louder and more persistent.<br/>-Silence! No more word from you! - I shouted and slammed the laptop at the table. The screen cracked and everything became silent. I opened the window and jumped. The height was small and I did not hurt myself. Just fall on the ground and got several bruises. Does not matter. Run away. Run away from Wammy House.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Aggressive Top</h2></a>
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    <p>That is how I ended up in LA. The farthest point I could go to with the money I had. I did not know what I was planning to do. I wanted to find a job and then decide what would be my plan. Job I found pretty easy. I became a translator of Japanese anime. I liked anime and I was fluent in several languages so I was able to do that job easily and remotely. I did not have enough money for rent so I started to live in abounded house. Got myself a gun and a laptop. Stole a car. I was feeling confident but I knew it was not enough. I wanted revenge. I wanted to meet L and see date of his death. I knew I needed to become the greatest criminal in order to beat the greatest detective. <br/>I was working on my plan. Murder several people who are not related to each other in any way. Leave clues in every place so L would try to solve puzzle but he would not be able to. Because last victim would be I. I would kill myself but make it look like a murder. A murder of Beyond Birthday. L does not know Beyond and B are the same. He would keep looking for the ghost of B and would never find him. B will win. L will lose. I was not scared to die. I hated myself. Hated others. Hated everyone who was not A. But A was gone. <br/>I needed more money so I started growing weed. I did not smoke myself but it was easy money and I needed it. It started attracted weird people to me. At first they just wanted weed but later after talking to me they wanted to hang out or go to the club. I started making friends with LA outsiders and even had several one night stands. It was weird to have sex with somebody who was not A at first. Before I believed he would be my only partner so it felt like cheating. But I needed outlet for my urges and for stress relief. So I was still doing it. I did not care about my partners. I even did not remember names of some of them. Which is not surprising if you see name of everyone you meet on the street. It was just physical nothing more.<br/>By June I finally came up with my plan of action. Kill three victims who are already supposed to die at that day. A lot of clues at every murder scene including woo do dolls. Each victim would have initials “B.B.” or reverse b “Q.Q” and the forth victim with initials “B.B.” would be Beyond Birthday.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Finally</h2></a>
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    <p>I killed but I did not die. My plan did not work out. I got caught while I was attempting to commit suicide. I was putting myself on fire when police came. I was so weak and all burns by that time. I fainted and recovered at the police station. Trial. Mental health hospital visits. Damn them. New labels. Murderer. Psychopath. Borderline. Don’t care. It was for you A. I fought for us and lost. Nothing matters any longer. I was taken to the prison for mentally disabled and given life sentence. Maybe it was for the best. I did not talk to anyone. Was not thinking about running away. Even almost did not eat. They don’t give jam in prison.<br/>I did not have any victors until the day he came. A dark haired man in his early twenties in while t-shirt. It was 20th January 2004. I remember that date.<br/>-Hey, - he smiled with sad smile, - I am sorry that I found only now time to visit you. <br/>-Who the hell are you? – I asked with pain in the voice. A man had familiar voice and I was starting to realize what is going on, - L Lawliet?<br/>-Yes I am L. I am sorry that it all ended like this B.<br/>-L? L? - I hysterically laughed, - Want to play tennis?<br/>- I am sorry. I was busy. I did not have time to visit.<br/>-You did not have time? Have you ever cared about us? Because of you I am in prison. Because of you I killed three people. Because of you my love, a teenage boy died. You did not have time?<br/>-I am sorry. I did not want it.<br/>-Of course you did not. But it happened. Well I have a secret for you. You don’t ‘have much time now as well. You will die soon. In November and I am glad you will die. It was one of my dreams. I wish I could also see the time of the death of the universe. Now get out!<br/>-But B? - L protested with surprise in his voice.<br/>- Get out and tell your family to never bother me again.<br/>L nodded and left. I accomplished what I wanted. I found out when my enemy would be dead. But it was not useful now. Nothing was useful. I laughed and laughed until I fainted and fall asleep. I did not survive that night. I died in my sleep. From heartache.  But it is another story.</p>
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